Reality Is - What's Your Reality?
 These word said in the right context can be the most loving words you will ever say. You can not MAKE me happy. Happiness is not something anyone can give. Happiness is a choice. Yup a choice. The truth is anyone can try as hard as they can but never come close to giving or bringing the happiness you are looking for. It is a state, a state of mind, a state of being.

So, is it fair to expect your partner to be your only source of happiness in your relationship. The truth is they can only take part in the happiness you allow yourself to receive. If you are with a person because they make you happy – if they are the only source of happiness you're able to tap into, you have set yourself up for disappointment. Even if you believe you are destined to be with this person for the rest of your life, the slightest change can disrupt your happiness. If you are not the type of person who can be happy just being you and you rely on others the bring you joy, life is probably not has full as it can be for you.

Happy couples are happy people when they are with their partner and when they are alone. They are content and it is not based on the relationship they are in. Their relationship is only a part of their happiness. These are also the same people who are able to move on when a relationship ends. They recognize that what they had was only one page or chapter in the story that is their life. The grieving period is much shorter for them. They share their happiness and are happy to be a part of the happiness their partner has to share.

So ask yourself are you working on making yourself happy, just has happy as you would like your partner to be? Would you be able to enjoy spending the day alone? Must you do everything thing together? If you are unable to spend the day or do something with your partner, would that ruin your the whole day for you?

The answer to these question will help determine just how happy you an be.
Sometimes what we are seeing in others may very well be behavior we would like change about ourselves. To be able to realize that  habits that others have which we find annoying could be habits we are guilty of as well is a great way to connect and improve current relationships.

Lets say that you find yourself constantly arguing with your spouse about the way he keeps the basement. You find yourself annoyed by the stacks of boxes that have been growing over the years. All of the extra cars parts and tools he seems to have no plans for – and you won’t even start on the pile of dirty gym stuff next to the weights collecting dust.

You may find yourself frustrated by his unwillingness to tidy up behind himself but if you were to hold up a mirror and take a good look at yourself would you reflect the image you feel he should be portraying. Are you setting the example you feel he is not. Are you the pot calling the kettle black.

We all have habits that we are sometimes unaware of. There are somethings we do that are as natural as breathing. We don’t intend to annoy others and most of the time we have no clue we are doing so. Sometimes it is only brought to our attention after a big fight or argument. This is when you are most likely to hear the words “YOU ARE ONE TO TALK”.

Another place to double check your motives is when giving advice. If  a friends comes to you with relationship problems do you:
  • Listen closely giving them a chance to express all of their fears and concerns and afterwords ask if there is anything you could do to help.
  • Listen as long as you can – all the while shaking your head because you have told them time and time again that it was going to happen or
  • Do you get right down to business ignoring what they are saying because you have been there done that and heard it all before.
If you said anything but A you may want to re-evaluate why you want to help this friend. While it is true that one can learn from the mistakes that others may make, believing that because you have been through the same situation that gives you the right to judge another does not make you the greatest of friend. Your advice would not be too helpful if it is based solely on you going through a similar circumstance. Often our advice to others is filled with our own should’da, would’da, could’das, and is a reflections of our own realities – a case of the pot not knowing it’s own coloring.

The best example of this can be found in parenting. As parents we want the best for our children – as adults we often use our age to excuse the bad habits we continue to exhibit all while trying to keep our children from making the same mistakes. We believe we are older, there for wiser and and know better. That is why they should listen to us and because we are older it is to late for us so we are exempt. They should not smoke or drink, but we do – they should be careful with our money – but we’re not – they should save themselves for marriage but we didn’t or we’re not married at all.

These may very well be wise roads to follow and wanting our children to be their best, do their best and have the best is natural – but when we find ourselves angry or fighting with our children over their life (especially grown children) is the anger really about what they are doing or what we have done wrong. Maybe what we are still doing even to this day. Are you trying to to live in their reality or are you trying to make them live the reality we wished we had lived.

Remembering that Reality is Relative – That we create our Reality based on what we believe to be real, our past and present experiences – How much of this is about you and not them. Just something tho thinks about my dear Pot from you friend the Kettle.

I am Cynthia Williams and my Reality has many shades of Gray.