Reality Is - What's Your Reality?
 
 Poor Dorthy running around in that short dress and shinny shoes. Everyone knows that by the time she reached the tin man her feet were killing her. From the moment that house touched down the only thing she had to eat was an apple, that she didn't even get to finish. Once she reached the wizard things didn't get any better - he sent her off to kill the witch that had been trying to kill her since her arrival. So off she goes, with no real weapons. Just a cowardly lion, a heartless man made of tin, a mindless scarecrow and a very tiny dog. While watching that as a child I thought, she was very brave, much braver than I.

And then we find out it was just a dream, a horrible nightmare. A nightmare that helped her realized there is no place like home. Making it clear that running away was the worst thing she could do. If only every nightmare had a clear message.

I have loved this movie for so many reasons, most of them childhood memories that still make me smile but, watching this as a adult has made me think about number of other things no child considers. As a child the movie fascinated me, terrified me, and made me want to fly some where over the rainbow. As an adult all I can think is "that poor thing". When I think about the fact that this was all a dream I have to wonder, if she was a real girl what would her reality look like?

In this dream neither she nor her companions needed the wizard. When push came to shove they all found what they needed - what they have been looking for was right inside them. Like Dorthy - the answer, the key, or cure to what ailed them was with them through out the entire journey. But, I wonder - had they not taken the journey where would they be? With the exception tin man - who would have been to rusty to move on his own - they all found out something about themselves fairly quickly. The scarecrow went from barely walking to skipping down the yellow brick road and the lion even though he was clearly afraid found the courage to promise to protect the young girl.

This I believe can be credited simply to the change in their surroundings which supported the reality they where in. As an adult I can't help but think about these two things: How our surroundings effect our reality and How the impossible becomes possible with small changes. In their cases the changes were not that small.

As for Dorthy and her reality. While I know she was just a child or more so a teen - and we know that reality changes with the wind for teens - I still have to have to ask why did she not know that the power to go home had been with her the whole time? She held the keys to her happiness or was wearing those keys on her feet - poor thing. Still she was a teen who, much like many of us adults, wondered, whenever there was a rainbow “Why, Oh why can't I?” - find those keys myself.
 
 
I am sure you have heard it said time and time again “you can’t love someone else if your don’t love yourself” or “no one will ever love you as much as you love yourself”. Oh, that is unless you factor in a mothers love (we will save that one for another day). It has been said to me and by me more times than I can count. To be honest I am not sure if the saying is true – for everyone that is. For me I have to say I can think of times when I was sure it was love, like when I wanted to run away but the love for my children made me stay. I am pretty sure I was very low on the to "be-loved list" in that case. Never the less, I do remember loving myself at some point – just not has much has I loved everyone else in my life.

I remember when I first realized how much I loved my husband – a feeling like nothing else. Yet I will admit that even then the feelings for myself was not what could be called mutual. And the answer to your question is – No, I did not think I deserved to be loved (only selfish people think they deserve things – another one for a different post). In my reality love was something you give, to get and it came from someone else, and it was based on how much you gave. You shouldn’t have to ask for it – if you gave enough you would get it in return. That was just how it worked. Don’t ask me what enough is - I never learned the answer to that.

I’m not sure where I picked up that belief, but it was a strong one and it shaped all of my relationships and interactions with everyone I met. If you are a responsible person with a family – working long hours and then coming home to finish you work day, before falling to sleep on you sofa – beat – you don’t have room in your life for much. Most people struggle day-to-day to prove to others that they love them. Running when told – jumping when told and not forgetting to ask how high. To prove – without asking – that they deserve love in return. Trying their best to prove this to their parents, their children, their spouses and friends. To their extended family and even their hardly there family. It is enough to wipe you out.

For some people keeping that up is just too much, something has got to give. The easiest way to free up space is to start from the bottom. You do remember where I told you I was on that list. How can a person who does not love themselves feel love? How can they know love? I believe it starts from  a memory. Yes, at some point I stopped loving myself but, I never said that I never ever, loved myself at all. And it’s a good thing that the memory survived. Because at some point I got tired of having a “prove your love” to do list two miles long that I wasn’t on. New habits formed, beliefs changed and slowly I made it back on to that list.

Slowly I worked my way up that list and the strangest thing happened – when I reached the top – the love I had been looking for was right there in the spot next to my husband, my children and no longer distant family members. Whenever I thought about doing something nice for someone else – not to prove my love to them but simply to say I love you, that nice thing was something we could do together. I also found that those I love, loved doing the things I loved doing, simply because I loved it. There was room in my life for me to love everyone including me.

In my reality loving myself made loving everyone else easier. I was no longer angry and depressed. I no longer felt obligated to please everyone in order to get love in return. I was a happier person and those I loved got the best of me everyday and I began to get the best of them. Yes, some of those people on that list got left behind, with the anger and depression. They should never have been on this list to begin with. They were actually only put on the list as a way to justify the anger and depression. I could count on them to keep me down when I was down. It was only right that they went when the anger and other bad habits went.

I added a few new habits, bright ones that attracted that love I was taught never to ask for and better than that I made it clear to everyone that I deserved to be loved and if it wasn’t clear in my actions well, I just asked for it.

I am Cynthia Williams and My Reality there is no relationship stronger than the love affair I am having with myself.


 
 
 These word said in the right context can be the most loving words you will ever say. You can not MAKE me happy. Happiness is not something anyone can give. Happiness is a choice. Yup a choice. The truth is anyone can try as hard as they can but never come close to giving or bringing the happiness you are looking for. It is a state, a state of mind, a state of being.

So, is it fair to expect your partner to be your only source of happiness in your relationship. The truth is they can only take part in the happiness you allow yourself to receive. If you are with a person because they make you happy – if they are the only source of happiness you're able to tap into, you have set yourself up for disappointment. Even if you believe you are destined to be with this person for the rest of your life, the slightest change can disrupt your happiness. If you are not the type of person who can be happy just being you and you rely on others the bring you joy, life is probably not has full as it can be for you.

Happy couples are happy people when they are with their partner and when they are alone. They are content and it is not based on the relationship they are in. Their relationship is only a part of their happiness. These are also the same people who are able to move on when a relationship ends. They recognize that what they had was only one page or chapter in the story that is their life. The grieving period is much shorter for them. They share their happiness and are happy to be a part of the happiness their partner has to share.

So ask yourself are you working on making yourself happy, just has happy as you would like your partner to be? Would you be able to enjoy spending the day alone? Must you do everything thing together? If you are unable to spend the day or do something with your partner, would that ruin your the whole day for you?

The answer to these question will help determine just how happy you an be.
 
 
If the Grinch and Scrooge are the bad guys at Christmas time, then who would be the villain of Valentines Day. If ever there is an opening for that position I would jump at the chance. I would volunteer – to be the girl who stole Valentines Day.

I all ready know what your thinking “someone didn’t get any cards when she was young”. No that’s not case at all. I just hate how people get all worked up spending a crazy amount of money on cheap and cheesy gifts, crowd into overpriced restaurants and spend all night listening to bad music all in the name of love. The list of reasons why I hate this holiday is way to long and I am well aware of how sad that is but I am not embarrassed to say…
Bah Hum Bug.

You may be one of the lucky ones. You may get something perfect and shiny and bright. Your meal may turn out to be first rate or better still someone may pop the question this year (how original). So what, Valentines Day -what we celebrate today is still a crappy holiday and here is why.

Valentines Day should be everyday POINT BLANK! I love candy (I would eat a chocolate covered brick if you gave it to me – holiday or not) and roses are my favorite flowers – not red, yellow and peach please – they light up the room. If you ever walk pass a vase full of roses they will brighten you day for sure.  I am not a jewelry person but, I do own a few very nice shiny things in my box (gifts from my husband).

And again SO WHAT. If my husband picked one day a year to shower me with gifts, make passionate love to me and take me out to dinner – I would be very, very, VERY cranky. Valentines Day does not give you a get out of romance free card that you can use for the rest of the year.

One day a year, are you kidding me? And then you want to know what’s wrong with your relationship ( I am rolling my eyes so hard my head hurts now). No, No, NO! Hundred dollar chocolate, champagne and roses may work once in a while but real love is more than these things and more than once in a while. Real lovers know this and for them Valentines Day is just one of many days to show just how much you love your mate.

Chocolate melts, champagne goes flat and the flowers are dying before you even get them in the vase. What you should have everyday of your life is a love that is as sweet and rich as the best chocolates, that pops and sparkles like the best France has to offer and is as sensual and smooth as rose petals - a love that lights up all of your senses.

I am Cynthia Williams and
my reality – hates Valentines Day

 
 
I like to think of myself as the type of person who could run on fumes if need be. I can remember running on empty during an event I was in charge of. The place was pack and everyone needed something from me. That was a 16 hour day. I am very proud to say no one ever knew I was one minutes away from falling down or passing out. Even then I was dealing with some kind of pain.

Today, well it is going on 8pm and I am in bed - I left my day job early and barely made it in the door. I am battling this nerve thing (I say nerve thing because we don't really know what it is yet). It causes pain and numbness that comes and go. It comes more than it goes. I can be up one moment and stretched out on the floor the next. The pain is constant and I am taking more drugs than I wish to, they come with their own set of problem. Not to mention that I am always exhausted for most of the day. It may sound like I am complaining but I'm not. This is my reality - for now - and there is not a day that goes by when I am not thinking about those days when I was taking on more than one project - hell,  four or five at my best.

But today was not one of those days and I am not so sure how I feel about that. There was a time when it would have been very hard for me to accept that  my health or anything else could get in the way of my plans. I mean we are never taught about the road blocks that take longer clear and de-rail us, sometimes for a undetermined about of time. Thankfully I learned that fighting my present reality increases the recovery time needed. What I mean is when my body is giving out, if I wait for it to totally collapse it will take me much longer to bounce back.  You maybe able to force something square into a round hole - if you push it hard enough and long enough but, the end result  will be something very battered and bruised.

So this is the only work I will be doing tonight. Today was not a good day to go flying  close to the sun - I would get burned for sure. I am going to watch a DVD with my youngest daughter until I fall asleep. This is one of those times when knowing my reality has helped me to make a better choice. Today I choose to take it easy and tomorrow I'll try putting on those wing again.

I am Cynthia Williams and My Reality needs to rest.


 
 
Well what’s wrong with your hose? No hose, what about a bucket? Don’t have access to water? So what if you don’t. Maybe your lawn is starting to brown and there may be more bald patches than you can count but you do have a lawn and that means you are blessed.

Let just say that the person you are so envious of IS living a full and happy life – maybe they ARE completely happy in every area – what can you do about it? Well, spending time and energy comparing your life to theirs is the last thing you should be doing. You should be focused on your own grass.

One place you can start is by taking a good long look at where you are in your life.  Starting here can be uplifting believe it or not. I don’t mean get out a ruler and start measuring your failures or weighting the things that have been disappointing you. If you can only think of one good reason to be you – hell one great reason to be you then you are off to a great start. If you can find one, you can find another - it may take some digging but you may find more reasons to celebrate your life than you expected. If you find that you are not where you want to be – don’t waste time being jealous of the neighbor, friend or co-worker who may be completely happy (or not). Instead take that energy and invest it.

Here’s how to keep your own grass green and healthy:

1. Do your homework – Do you know your grass?  What type of grass is it? (Take time out to get to know who you are and what will make you happy). Not all grass is the same. (Not everything is for everyone).

2. Invest in the right tools – A well keep lawn requires the proper tools. (Should you be taking that class you have always wanted to take? Maybe it is time to join that gym you have said you would be joining?)

3. Lawns need plenty water and lots of nourishment as well. (Find a friend or support group something that will help you stay focused and positive). Be careful what you use on your lawn – chemicals can be harmful. (Get rid of the people and stay way from the places and things that are toxic or doing harm that could interfere with positive forward movement).

It is hard to find time to be jealous of someone else when your busy with your own life. This year make it your business to put yourself first, meaning – do the work needed to grow your own patch of thick green grass. It may take some time -  a few days or maybe weeks but, once you get on a roll you will find that going after what makes you happy will become easier.  The only thing you will feel when looking at your neighbors grass will be joy. You will able to take in its beauty and appreciate it.

I am Cynthia Williams and my Reality will be growing sweet bell pepper this year


 
 
Sometimes what we are seeing in others may very well be behavior we would like change about ourselves. To be able to realize that  habits that others have which we find annoying could be habits we are guilty of as well is a great way to connect and improve current relationships.

Lets say that you find yourself constantly arguing with your spouse about the way he keeps the basement. You find yourself annoyed by the stacks of boxes that have been growing over the years. All of the extra cars parts and tools he seems to have no plans for – and you won’t even start on the pile of dirty gym stuff next to the weights collecting dust.

You may find yourself frustrated by his unwillingness to tidy up behind himself but if you were to hold up a mirror and take a good look at yourself would you reflect the image you feel he should be portraying. Are you setting the example you feel he is not. Are you the pot calling the kettle black.

We all have habits that we are sometimes unaware of. There are somethings we do that are as natural as breathing. We don’t intend to annoy others and most of the time we have no clue we are doing so. Sometimes it is only brought to our attention after a big fight or argument. This is when you are most likely to hear the words “YOU ARE ONE TO TALK”.

Another place to double check your motives is when giving advice. If  a friends comes to you with relationship problems do you:
  • Listen closely giving them a chance to express all of their fears and concerns and afterwords ask if there is anything you could do to help.
  • Listen as long as you can – all the while shaking your head because you have told them time and time again that it was going to happen or
  • Do you get right down to business ignoring what they are saying because you have been there done that and heard it all before.
If you said anything but A you may want to re-evaluate why you want to help this friend. While it is true that one can learn from the mistakes that others may make, believing that because you have been through the same situation that gives you the right to judge another does not make you the greatest of friend. Your advice would not be too helpful if it is based solely on you going through a similar circumstance. Often our advice to others is filled with our own should’da, would’da, could’das, and is a reflections of our own realities – a case of the pot not knowing it’s own coloring.

The best example of this can be found in parenting. As parents we want the best for our children – as adults we often use our age to excuse the bad habits we continue to exhibit all while trying to keep our children from making the same mistakes. We believe we are older, there for wiser and and know better. That is why they should listen to us and because we are older it is to late for us so we are exempt. They should not smoke or drink, but we do – they should be careful with our money – but we’re not – they should save themselves for marriage but we didn’t or we’re not married at all.

These may very well be wise roads to follow and wanting our children to be their best, do their best and have the best is natural – but when we find ourselves angry or fighting with our children over their life (especially grown children) is the anger really about what they are doing or what we have done wrong. Maybe what we are still doing even to this day. Are you trying to to live in their reality or are you trying to make them live the reality we wished we had lived.

Remembering that Reality is Relative – That we create our Reality based on what we believe to be real, our past and present experiences – How much of this is about you and not them. Just something tho thinks about my dear Pot from you friend the Kettle.

I am Cynthia Williams and my Reality has many shades of Gray.


 
 
There are people out there that just can't seem to keep a relationship going for longer that a few months. Some people are lucky and can go on for a few years before crashing and burning. You know the type - after every break up they sit around looking confused - they were just sure they had the right one this time. In the mean time you are shaking your head - just as confused - only you're wondering  *what the hell they are thinking? How could they not see this was not going to work out? All of the signs were there but they didn't see any of them. What's worst is you have picked up on a pattern that they seem to over look every time and you don't know how or if you should say something.

Why is this clear to you and not clear to your friend? Well, what you have is a  classic case of someone not being in touch with their reality.

It is hard for those of us who are looking for love (in all the wrong places and in some cases even the right place) to accept that they may well be the reason for all of their misfortune when it comes to relationships. If in their hearts and minds they see things much different from the rest of the world - what is there to change? For instance - take a guy - a good guy who just keeps getting taken advantage of by all of his girl friends. He can be the sweetest guy; always helping others - quick to come when called. Paying bills and helping out with children he hasn't fathered but still ending up alone. You may ask yourself (and him) what is he doing wrong or you may just think he has really bad luck. You may feel bad for him and even try to set him up. Nice guys like him shouldn't have to put up with women who don't appreciate him, right? Well, he should if he wants to.

My question would be what's going on in his belief system? What does he believe about himself or others that is the fuel that is keeping him going? What were his relationships with family and friends growing up - what was he taught about women or about his role in a relationship? He may not be aware but his reality - the way he see the world and the world he really lives in could be two very different things. He may be clueless to all of this - he may be totally unaware of the connection  but, he is the connection. He may not be consciously picking these women but he is picking them. Being oblivious does not make you blameless. OK, I am not saying anyone is at fault - lets just say maybe there is something he could do or change in his life - in his belief system that could put a stop to this.

It comes back to something pretty simple. What he knows to be real is the engine that keeps him going - all the while he is in the wrong lane.  Poor soul, he may be a sweetheart but the world is full of  people who could care less.  If he was in touch with his reality he would be prepared and could see the people who would take advantage of him coming  a mile away.

I am Cynthia Williams and My Reality is my Armor.


 
 
I am sure you have heard it said time and time again "you can't love someone else if your don't love yourself" or "no one will ever love you as much as you love yourself". Oh, that is unless you factor in a mothers love (we will save that one for another day). It has been said to me and by me more times than I can count. To be honest  I am not sure if the saying is true - for everyone that is. For me I have to say I can think of times when I was sure it was love, like when I wanted to run away but the love for my children made me stay. I am also sure I was very low on the to be loved list in that case. 

Never the less, I do remember loving myself at some point - just not has much has I loved everyone else in my life. I remember when I first realized how much I loved my husband - a feeling like nothing else. Yet I will admit that even then the feelings for myself was not what could be called mutual. And the answer to your question is - No, I did not think I deserved to be loved (only selfish people think they deserve things - another one for a different post). In my reality love was something you give, to get and it came from someone else, but it was based on how much you gave. You shouldn't have to ask for it - if you gave enough you would get it in return. That was just how it worked. Don't ask me what enough is I never learned the answer to that. I'm not sure where I picked up that belief, but it was a strong one and it shaped all of my relationships and interactions with everyone I met.

If you are a responsible person with a family - working long hours and then coming home to finish you work day, before falling to sleep on you sofa - beat - you don't have room in your life for much. Most people struggle day-to-day to prove to others that they love them. Running when told - jumping when told and not forgetting to ask how high. To prove - without asking - that they deserve love in return. Trying their best to prove this to to their parents, their children, their spouses and friends. To their extended family and even their hardly there family. It is enough to wipe you out.  For some people keeping that up is just too much, something has got to give. The easiest way to free up space is to start from the bottom.  You do remember where I told you I was on the list.

How can a person who does not love themself feel love? How can they know love? I believe it's a memory. Yes, at some point I stopped loving myself but, I never said that I never ever, loved myself at all. And it's a good thing that the memory survived. Because at some point I got tired of having a "prove your love" to do list two miles long that I wasn't on. New habits formed, beliefs changed and slowly I made it back on to that list.  Slowly I worked my way up that list and the strangest thing happened - when I reached the top - the love I had been looking for was right there in the spot next to my husband, my children and no longer distant family members. Whenever I thought about doing something nice for someone else - not to prove my love to them but simply to say I love you, that nice thing was something we could do together. I also found that those I love, loved doing the things I loved doing, simply because I loved it. There was room in my life for me to love everyone including me.

In my reality loving myself made loving everyone else easier. I was no longer angry and depressed. I no longer felt obligated to please everyone in order to get love in return. I was a happier person and those I loved got the best of me everyday and I began to get the best of them. Yes, some of those people on that list got left behind, with the anger and depression. They should never have been on this list to begin with. They were actually only put on the list as a way to justify the anger and depression. I could count on them to keep me down when I was down.  It was only right that they went when the anger and other bad habits went.  I added a few new habits, bright ones that attracted that love I was taught never to ask for and better than that I made it clear to everyone that I deserved to be loved and if it wasn't clear in my actions well, I just asked for it.

I am Cynthia Williams and in My Reality there is no relationship stronger than the love affair I am having with myself.


 
 
I come from family where marriage is optional. My mother and father did not marry but my mother did marry another man when I was about 14. They split as well – it was not what anyone would have called the perfect marriage. What I remember of my mom and dad’s time together was nothing like fairy tale either. What I learned from my mother was how to insult and belittle, bruise then crushed and how to curse a guy out so bad I could bring him to tears. She was my hero. See she didn’t take no stuff and that was how I was going to be with my guys (note the plural use of the word). I did not trust men and expected them all to try something funny. It didn’t help that I was way to young to be in a serious relationship with any body and the lack of supervision and sound advice kept me from making wise decisions. And then I met my husband and something happened. He was nothing like most guys I knew – nothing like the men I knew either - he was different and I was not ready for who he was. 

We settled down – very young with an unplanned family - we married and did our best to play house as grown ups. Most, I would say 95% of the time we were the love birds you hear about, but perfect it was not.

We yelled -  well, I yelled and screamed often, had great make up sex and then we would repeat – never knowing what the argument was really about. They were so few and far between we often forgot there ever was an argument. Till one day he left. Yup, just like that. I had no idea what happened. We were telling each other “I say this all the time” but, neither one of us could remember pass talks, conversations or shouting matches. All we knew was we’d had enough. We just wasn’t sure what we’d had enough of. Our arugements were not making any sense and we were just tired.

It was a long fall and before we knew it, we where spending Christmas a part. Me in South Carolina and him at his mothers. We had stopped fighting and there was no shouting, just a puzzled look and a lot of trouble explaining what went wrong. Oh we could remember all the mean stuff the other had said but, never why it was said or what it all meant was beyond us. The only thing that was clear to me was how much I missed him - I had no idea but he felt the same way. And then one day my mother say to me “what do you want?” I told her I wanted my husband back – she said “go get him”. I started to write a letter trying to apologize but I couldn’t, I didn’t know what to apologize for. I realized I wasn’t listening – I never listened. I yelled and he would clam up. So I had not clue what I had done so wrong. There was no other woman - no other man. Our bills were paid on time and we had great sex.  If it wasn’t money, sex or another person then why were we fighting? My husband had no clue as well, it was beyond us. Oh there were small things we thought it could be but honestly they were just small things that could have been worked out, if we wanted them to.

I was speechless for the first time ever. So I decided to introduce myself to him and tell him what he would get if he took a chance on me and he did the same. A few week before our anniversary we were trying to work it out - we were talking but most importantly we were listening and learning and reliving the love we shared. Not much had changed we were still the same people only now we were listening to each other and learning even more. About our hopes and our dreams and our fears.

The years have passed, this December we will have been together for 20 years and with each passing year I’ve learned to say what I mean as lovingly as I can, to be clear and not forceful – that is unless it is really needed.  We truly live in two very different realities sometimes, but we often go on joy rides through them together. No body knows me better and vise verse. I listen very closely to what he says and for what he’s not saying. Then I respond at the right time with the right words – I have had a lot of practice.

We are by no means like the Cleavers there are days when I just shake my head and he does the same but we have learned the secret to a happy marriage is knowing not to say anything – sometimes all there is to do is just listen.

I am Cynthia Williams and My Reality Listens to him.