Reality Is - What's Your Reality?
 
I come from family where marriage is optional. My mother and father did not marry but my mother did marry another man when I was about 14. They split as well – it was not what anyone would have called the perfect marriage. What I remember of my mom and dad’s time together was nothing like fairy tale either. What I learned from my mother was how to insult and belittle, bruise then crushed and how to curse a guy out so bad I could bring him to tears. She was my hero. See she didn’t take no stuff and that was how I was going to be with my guys (note the plural use of the word). I did not trust men and expected them all to try something funny. It didn’t help that I was way to young to be in a serious relationship with any body and the lack of supervision and sound advice kept me from making wise decisions. And then I met my husband and something happened. He was nothing like most guys I knew – nothing like the men I knew either - he was different and I was not ready for who he was. 

We settled down – very young with an unplanned family - we married and did our best to play house as grown ups. Most, I would say 95% of the time we were the love birds you hear about, but perfect it was not.

We yelled -  well, I yelled and screamed often, had great make up sex and then we would repeat – never knowing what the argument was really about. They were so few and far between we often forgot there ever was an argument. Till one day he left. Yup, just like that. I had no idea what happened. We were telling each other “I say this all the time” but, neither one of us could remember pass talks, conversations or shouting matches. All we knew was we’d had enough. We just wasn’t sure what we’d had enough of. Our arugements were not making any sense and we were just tired.

It was a long fall and before we knew it, we where spending Christmas a part. Me in South Carolina and him at his mothers. We had stopped fighting and there was no shouting, just a puzzled look and a lot of trouble explaining what went wrong. Oh we could remember all the mean stuff the other had said but, never why it was said or what it all meant was beyond us. The only thing that was clear to me was how much I missed him - I had no idea but he felt the same way. And then one day my mother say to me “what do you want?” I told her I wanted my husband back – she said “go get him”. I started to write a letter trying to apologize but I couldn’t, I didn’t know what to apologize for. I realized I wasn’t listening – I never listened. I yelled and he would clam up. So I had not clue what I had done so wrong. There was no other woman - no other man. Our bills were paid on time and we had great sex.  If it wasn’t money, sex or another person then why were we fighting? My husband had no clue as well, it was beyond us. Oh there were small things we thought it could be but honestly they were just small things that could have been worked out, if we wanted them to.

I was speechless for the first time ever. So I decided to introduce myself to him and tell him what he would get if he took a chance on me and he did the same. A few week before our anniversary we were trying to work it out - we were talking but most importantly we were listening and learning and reliving the love we shared. Not much had changed we were still the same people only now we were listening to each other and learning even more. About our hopes and our dreams and our fears.

The years have passed, this December we will have been together for 20 years and with each passing year I’ve learned to say what I mean as lovingly as I can, to be clear and not forceful – that is unless it is really needed.  We truly live in two very different realities sometimes, but we often go on joy rides through them together. No body knows me better and vise verse. I listen very closely to what he says and for what he’s not saying. Then I respond at the right time with the right words – I have had a lot of practice.

We are by no means like the Cleavers there are days when I just shake my head and he does the same but we have learned the secret to a happy marriage is knowing not to say anything – sometimes all there is to do is just listen.

I am Cynthia Williams and My Reality Listens to him.


 


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09/24/2012 11:06pm

THX for info

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